a racial apartheid in the queer community, gay families, and why i dont support marriage equality
A Racial Apartheid
What happened to the queer community? There was a time where the we of all races were united to combat the anti-gay rhetoric that homophobes spewed from their mouths. We fought together in the 1960s during government tyranny and police evasion of gay facilities. Now, it seems like the queer community is under a racial apartheid which is purported by queer organizations and bluntly exercised through mainstream queer images. When I came out I never thought my queerness would be sublimated through my Blackness. I never believed under any instances that being Black will be a battle within an already oppressed community. I was wrong. Every time I hear a white person scream “gay pride!” I feel like the context they use it in is subliminally ingrained into the message “white gay pride!” Gay pride has never represented me. I’m not on Showtime’s The L Word, or Queer As Folk. LOGO only gave me Noah’s Arc and The Reception. The last time I saw a gay man on The Advocate was last year when Doug Spearmen of Noah’s Arc was on the cover. This racial apartheid within the queer community is why you never hear about new movements occurring to build bridges between the queer and heterosexual community. We’re too focused on gay parades, branding ourselves and being separatist, that we’ve lost our ability to revolt and fight against the prejudices of society.
Why I Don’t Support Marriage Equality
I consistently face the blunder of organizations that markets “gay marriage” on parade floats with a Washington Mutual logo commercializing on the bedrock that goes against the historical context of an institution used to populate the world. This blunder is spearheaded by members of The Gay Agenda (as I call it). I have said it once and I will say it again: I do not support marriage equality. Marriage equality is severely overrated. Because they want to be equal, the proponents of The Gay Agenda are embroiling over a battle that will never fuse. If I get married it will be under the basis of 1,138 plus rights that comes with having a legally recognized institution. Marriage will not be an institution that validates my love and commitment to my partner. I will not push for marriage equality when 46% of Black gay men are living with HIV. I will not push for marriage equality when young queers buy image and not books. I will not push for marriage equality until every queer person I know knows the year the Stonewall riots occurred. I will not push for marriage equality until the queer community is not comprised of image extremist. Can you make that happen? Or perhaps marriage for queers under different legislative means can get me out to support marriage equality.
Gay “Families”
I have a problem with the relational names queer people throw around. You know, the relational names that refers to gay men as mothers or gay male friends as their sisters. It makes me, in many ways, sad. It saddens me because while we’re trying to exercise our human rights as equal people we come across as stereotypical by reinforcing the stigma that says that queer men are trying to be anything other than men. I can understand calling someone your gay father, but calling a man a mother? Calling a man a daughter? Calling a man a sister? I’m ignorant in the subject, so please try to open my mind. I have had gay men ask to be my ‘gay mother’. I dismiss them as gay mothers, but welcome them as mentors. I don’t have any close friends with a gay family. So it’s not like I can go to any of them and ask them to explain the terminology of calling men “daughter” or “sister” or “mother”. I understand gay families, I do. I just don’t get why a man will call himself a mother. I’m ignorant in the subject, so please be light if you’re going to try to convey the idea behind the terminology.
Julian said,
May 10, 2008 at 4:28 am
On the gay family issue and men wanting to be called mothers…. they are basically taking on the term of the role they are portraying… They are loving nurturing and teach u things that are valuable to ur growth as a gay man especially a black gay man… Those that are more fem are know as the sisters cause they act as such they can be your shoulder to cry on and the sometimes more masculine (trade) dudes are your brothers cause they can be very protective… this is how i percieve it atleast
Clarence said,
May 10, 2008 at 5:06 am
First of all I should say this is a very passionate blog entry, and you bring up some important points; however, I think a lot of your anger and frustration is being too heavily placed on one group: the queer community as one large collective, and thus the path to solving the problem of the has some shortcomings.
While certainly much of the mainstream gay imagery seems to suggest being gay is “White Only” activity (the past twelve covers of FRESHMEN magazine have no one that isn’t white), the African-American community has fallen short on accepting the fact that there are gay people within the African-American community. And much of this has to do with the influence of the church as a communal institution within the African-American community. I not surprised to still hear today African-American people say that homosexuals are not part of the African-American community. This is a vicious circle, as the mainstream media perpetuates the image that it is “white only” the African-American community perpetuates the ideology that is in fact the case. Who would be the first to throw in the towel and admit that they are wrong? Or more importantly, who should?
I attend Pride in Boston regularly, and I do notice that I often stick out like a sore thumb; however, exactly what is the cause of this? While the gay community as a whole, in some parts, may appear to be unwelcoming to gay ethnic minorities that shouldn’t be any reason to stop you from participating. In fact the African-American experience within the United States can be summed up as being one where a group of people overcome being not welcomed by the larger community. So the responsibility may fall on you, and I, and others to challenge the disparity by showing that we do exist. Certainly there are many compounding issues that affect the lack of ethnic presence during Pride, beyond the “White Only” attitude sometime perpetuated by the queer media.
It took a long time for “us” to have Queer As Folks, and then Noah’s Arc; if anything we should be celebrating that even existed. It shows that some progress has been made. Not as immediate as we should hope, and we should continue to press for more, but acknowledge the hurdles overcame.
Also I would remind you that marriage as an institution does not have a historical background, of very long, as being an institution used for populating the planet with more humans. Sure individual families would see marriage as a means of bringing families together through a child; however, there was no conscious effort to ensure that the planet always have enough human beings and that marriage should be the institution to ensure that–with the exception of a few periods in certain geographic locations throughout human history.
And as a person that is black and gay, I am dumbfounded by the percentage of gay African-American men that have HIV. As easily as it is to blame the mainstream queer media, and certainly they have some blame coming their way, at some point personal responsibility has to be final deciding factor. And African-Americans as a whole have started to do so, through various campaigns. However, when being called “gay” or talking about “gay stuff” is still very much a dangerous taboo within the African-American community what more can expect. And again, who’s fault is that the queer community or the African-American community? Or both?
As for knowing the events of Stonewall, while very important, knowing the specifics facts surrounding the event isn’t the most important, but rather the impact it has had on the community. The fact that gay youth today can enjoy many of the privileges those at Stonewall could not, and those which they fought for, without knowing about it, is a testament to the impact of Stonewall. As contradictory as this sounds their ignorance of the subject is a sign that the event did something amazing. But I agree overall they should know more. Have you ever read Andrew Sullivan’s essay, “http://www.tnr.com/politics/story.html?id=cac6ca08-7df8-4cdd-93cc-1d20cd8b7a70“?
And as for gay families, one of the privileges of gay families is that those families have more freedom and flexibility in defining the what their families will be like. So terms like gay mothers or sisters, or whatever. In a heterosexual family the sex roles are rigidly defined.
Sorry for the long comment(s), but I just wanted to give it my full attention, because it was really good. I’m going to be sad to see this blog go at the end of the summer.
queerunity said,
May 10, 2008 at 5:22 am
you can think of marriage as not the biggest issue but to say you are against it is silly, why should loving partners together not be able to access equal benefits under the law?
http://www.queersunited.blogspot.com
queerkidofcolor said,
May 10, 2008 at 5:31 am
Hey Queerunity,
Actually if you reread the blog you would actually find that I said that I would married for the benefits and rights that come with a legally recognized institution.
Clarence, thanks for the incite. Your comment brought about many points. Of course there are counter arguments, but admire your viewpoints. I will read the essay you recommended to me.
Julian thanks for clearing that up. Hopefully my view on the topic of gay families will broaden.
Jason Tompkins said,
May 10, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I hear you that marriage equality should certainly NOT be the tentpole issue for LGBT’s, and I agree that you don’t need the approval of the federal government or religious institution to validate a union or family.
BUT it bears to consider the de facto benefits and protections (couples insurance, tax filing, etc.) that come with marriage would mean more for the many black lesbian couples raising children than it would for, say, two well off white queens in Provincetown trying to adopt a Mayalsian baby.
Darius T. Williams said,
May 12, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Ahhh - things are so different here in Chicago when it comes to LGBTQ issues. I love how progressive the NYC communities are.
Joey Bahamas said,
May 12, 2008 at 9:19 pm
Ahhhhh Steven….you know I have a gay mother. I am a daughter and sister to my gay siblings. And I am also a gay mother with daughters and sons as well. What does our equal rights have to do with any of that???
KG said,
May 13, 2008 at 2:36 pm
i really feel you on your post. apartheid is the right word.
racial consciounsness among gay white men is terrible, and many gay white men dont understand how their whiteness operates, they only see themselves as gay. so they have a false consciousness as a minority.
but, on the mairrage equality issues, many studies show the queer people of color would benefit most from marriage equality because of rights and priviliges afforded, its something to think about….
heres a recent piece on marriage/relationships:
Mildred Loving and Marriage Equality
Black, Latino, Asian Same-sex Couples Have Most to Gain, Lose from Marriage Fight
Toddy English said,
May 28, 2008 at 12:05 am
At first I was prepared to disagree with you wholeheartedly, knowing that you are a Republican…lol. But, surprisingly, I agreed with your stance on why gay marraige should not be a major issue right now. We, as black gay people, have bigger obstacles to overcome. We can’t afford to get into a fight that isn’t ours at this moment. White gays can stand to debate marraige because they are, sadly, more progressive than we are. We need to get away from our image/sex obsessed culture of depravity and get lifted…
Very well stated! I actually agreed…
Then again, I actually considered voting for John McCain for a minute…
Then I regained my sanity…haha.
Cheers!
Toddy English.