Queer Kid of Color

Enjoy this lovely conversation I had with marz from http://mty05-09-blogspot.com

Describe yourself in one word.
Peculiar.

Why did you decide to create a blog?
Creating my blog sort of just happened. When I was as young as six, I would write; but someone would find my writings and make a big deal. After my writings were found I would quit writing, but eventually find a more secure way to write until that was foiled. I found the blog of this gay black blogger who I can’t seem to find. But saw that he chronicled his life in high school, and thought to myself, ” I’m not a great writer at all, but I can write a sentence.” Blogging sort of became the new secure place for me. At first I was going to write a blog that I would take one important headline from the news and talk about how it made me feel and then talk about very simplistic things that happened in my day. “Today I stubbed my foot in the door, and it hurts.” But the second day of blogging my life just seemed to envelop my blog and it’s become what it is today.

You recently came out, tell us about your coming out.
It was a burning hot mess. It happened the night before my finals for my summer college courses, with my mother and I sitting in the kitchen whispering so no one would hear. She told me that someone that goes to my church saw me in the part of Philadelphia that is frequented by homosexuals, “the gayborhood”. But the person that was spotted wasn’t me. But then my mother began asking me all of these questions trying to sound politically correct, “so how would you describe your sexual preference, and we’ve never held a discussion about your sexual orientation”. I was ready to come out to my parents because I felt secure in being gay. But I had it planned in a different setting and time, and definitely not the night before finals. She was in denial, and I still think that she is. But who knows what may happen. I know there will be some difficulties because of her preconceived notions of homosexuals, and because both of my parents are ministers and it directly contradicts their beliefs, especially as Pentecostal Christians. So it’s like I’ll have to fight her stereotypes along with her misinterpretation of the bible.

Are you out in school?
I don’t quite know about this one, because I cant even answer it. Sort of. It’s very strange. In freshman year I was very flamboyant and loud and extroverted, however I was nowhere in acceptance of my sexuality. I told everyone that I was straight, because I didn’t want to have to bear the burden of being the gay kid and being harassed in the manner I was in middle school, or have my parents find out. My socially unacceptable behaviors almost got me shot in North Philly near my school. I then tried to portray what is deemed as the characteristics of a heterosexual, because then I would be treated with the same respect that heterosexual males are treated. Since I was known as the gay kid nothing changed. But, now as a senior I think everyone has sort of gotten the fact that I am gay. Like last year the teacher who ran the GLBTSA came to me saying that she thought I had wanted to join and invited me on a field trip they were doing when I didn’t say anything to her about joining. But some of my closer friends and associates have enough common sense to link together that my religious household and my orientation wouldn’t mesh well with my parents. I’m going to come out in school soon, because my school is homophobic only towards the males. I feel as though I could help in at least starting tolerance. However, I don’t want to become the token gay student and also the target of 700 other children’s opinions on which gender I like. It’s very complicated. I don’t personally know what every person in my school thinks of me or my orientation. I just don’t know. But I haven’t declared it in front of the student body.

How did it feel to win Best Teen Blog? I truly didn’t think I was going to win. I was surprised when I was nominated. I knew that a lot of people that I voted for all told me that they voted for me and I was the only person who should win that award. The day that the winners were supposed to be announced I woke up early to come see if I had won, and the winners weren’t up. I gagged. Because with the nominations they posted them directly at 12:01 a.m., and it was 10:00 a.m. and I was thinking maybe I had the wrong date, but I didn’t. Later that night when I went to check if I had won I was forbidden to do so by my father who put me on punishment for not closing windows. However, a lot of people were writing me saying that I am going to win, and I won, and things of that nature. So I wrote my acceptance speech, earlier that morning. I was going to post it, but again I didn’t want to post it and lose and look salty, or post it before it was announced and I look like a bragger or boastful. The next morning I logged onto the website and the winners were up and I scrolled down slowly, and my heart got faster. I was flipping out, then I got to the one before teen blog, and then scrolled down real quick and back up afraid to look, but I saw the border of my blog. I was so happy, and felt so, ” they really like me”. I wanted to share it with someone that I had the best teen blog in America, but no one I know knows that I blog, or lets on that they know.

Are you single? If not, tell us about the lucky person.
Non-technically I’m my boyfriend because I believe you have to love yourself before you can love anybody, and I’ve lived in years of self hatred as a pre-teen so I have very high values on my personal self love. But technically, I’m single. I see love and relationships differently because I grew up around mostly married couples. So I see love in the full view beyond that. I’m in no rush for anything romantic, I’m still so young. I practice and promote abstinence, practice what you preach and all like that.

What are your plans after high school?
College. My first choice now is Cornell, but I’m looking at NYU realistically. The other schools are Fordham, Penn, Temple, and Howard. I just hope that I get accepted into the school that is right for me. I am constantly praying about it now because I don’t want to make the wrong choice, because my college education is very important to me.

How do you feel being black-gay-male?
That is such a deep question and I don’t think I can answer it fully. I understand the struggles that go along with it better now. Because I remember reading James Early Hardy novels at thirteen and E. Lynn Harris at fifteen and saying, “I don’t know why these characters keep complaining about how hard it is being a black gay man, I wish they would stop being so,’ woe is me,’ and move on with their lives.” But as I lived life I saw. Around April this year it finally hit me hard about the contrast of gender roles, and the double standards that exists with different races. I wrote something about it’s so hard, and all I could hear was me at fourteen, “I wish you would shut up and stop being so woe is me”. It was one of those realizations you get with maturing. Like when you finally understand something your parents have been saying for FOREVER. That you just flagged off as them being droll. I feel it’s a distinct road to walk in life, especially if you choose to walk it and not ignore the path you know you’re destined to travel and only the strong survive and overcome the adversities there is to face.

When did you “find out” that you were gay?
I think it is a process that never seems to end in defining yourself and your sexuality and who you are. But the first time it dawned on me was the weekend before my parents renewed their vows when I was nine. I was pulling a prank on this older boy who was always so angry. His younger cousin and I put Sega Genesis cartridges down his pants as he slept. I went to put a few down his boxers and I saw his butt and liked it a bit too much. It was strange. Around that time I had start having boy on boy dreams, and I would be kissing cops, and would wake up thinking, “Why am I having these dreams, and why do I like them so much?”

Who are your role models? I don’t really believe in having role models per say because some people get so caught up in trying to be like someone else that they don’t shine at who they are. However, the people that have qualities that I hope to have are so varied. Nikki Giovanni and James Baldwin for their writing capabilities and how they are just so different. I also hope to write something that is somewhat as classical as theirs in capturing life. Jesus for being so forgiving throughout his life. Because learning how to forgive is so hard. Overall, I’m inspired by people who are individuals and strive to be seen as such, and their inner beauty shines through, and you just have to stop in awe of them. Because that’s the type of person I want to be.

Tomorrow part 2